Dermatology 101

Every dermatologist that I have ever visited takes one look at me and comments about the amount of skin damage I have.  In my teenage years, (aka - Wildwood Days), I was extremely careless about getting sunburnt.  Instead of sunscreen I lathered on baby oil...I know, it's appalling.  I definitely had my fair share of sun poisoning, and I imagine that my future will be filled with repeat visits to the dermatologist's office to have various things removed from my body. 

The Doctor asks me if I have been staying out of the sun.  "Of course I'm staying out of the sun, I live in Germany", is always my response.  That seems to be the theme of my week...depressing German weather.  Lately, I am not sure if I live in Seattle or Germany.  The weather has been so dreary and depressing, and damp, that the sun coming out feels like reason for celebration. Staying cooped up in the haus (no matter how big), is making me feel totally insane. 

Getting back to the Dermatologist - So, as luck would have it, I happen to meet the only Dermatologist in the world that does not derive some sadistic pleasure from removing growths from patient's bodies.  Isn't that why they go into that field in the first place?  Who knows.  Pregnancy graced me with some bizarre skin troubles.  I even grew a penis.  OK, well, not really, but who knew that skin tags can grow really long, and plump from filling with blood, and in the pubic region of all places.  That is a story for another time.  Believe me, it's a good one.  This man identified all of my skin tags and moles as being non-cancerous, therefore, not necessary for removal.  Gotta love these Military Doctors.  I tried to explain that they get irratated and itchy, because they are along my bra line.  His response, "They can itch, and they can be uncomfortable".  He also deemed an ugly, hard, shiny, red bump (compliments of my first pregancy), on my leg, as a benign tumor.  He informed me that he has the same thing, and even lifted his pant leg to show me the spot on his knee where it resides. 

This reminds me of a story a former co-worker of mine once told me.  As an infant his mother was overly concerned that this child had an extra set of nipples.  The Doc assured her that it was actually quite common, and proceeded to unbutton his shirt to show her just how common.  How's that for freaky?
Getting back, I can never stay on track.  In the end, Doc sent me on my way with said skin tags, moles, and tumor still attached to my person.  He gave instructions to have my birthday suit looked over by a dermatologist once a year.  I still need to have my 37 year old birthday suit looked at.  The horror - having someone other than my husband look at my naked body post 2 babies, (again).  While I am thrilled that none of my gazillion moles/freckles are cancerous, I would really like the scary ones removed, please.  Is that really too much to ask?